Thursday, June 6, 2013

Just the two of us...

So Logan and I embarked on a journey together. We moved across the country where I had to not only  learn how to be a teacher but also how to be a single mom and he had to learn to live without his daddy in his daily life. When other children called "Daddy," he would look around for his daddy and would crumple when he realized that they weren't talking to his daddy. I felt so many emotions. I was angry that Mark's choice was to have his son raised by a single mom. I was guilty for failing my little family. But mostly, I was so incredibly sad. Sad for me and especially sad for Logan.

Fortunately, my parents welcomed me back into their home so that I could get back on my feet and so that Logan would have more stability than I could provide by myself. It definitely took some work for my dad and I to figure out how to navigate our relationship. He and Logan became best buds. While I was leaving the house before Logan woke up, Dad was getting up with him, getting him fed and getting him off to daycare. When Logan started school, he not only got him to school but Dad also picked him up and took him to daycare. Any time that I had to work late or go to class, one of my parents would pick him up. There is no way that I could have become a teacher without all of their help. So it wasn't really just the two of us, after all.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Continuing with the tale...

Little did I know how difficult my new profession would be. My school was challenging for a number of reasons. The students came from a wide assortment of backgrounds and the administrative requirements were, well, monumental would be a polite way to put things. Mom said that I learned to teach by getting thrown not the deep end of the pool. I had a panic attack on the first day of school. Think about it. When you get a job waiting tables, you shadow someone for a few days, then they shadow you for a few days, then you are finally given your own station. When I got my job I was assigned a classroom, issued textbooks and the bell rang! While I was trying to get my bearings, was also taking my pedagogy classes and trying to adjust to being a single mom. I cried every day that first year. On my way to work. On my way home from work. When I went to bed.

For 10 years, Mark was the last person I spoke with before I went to bed. I had been talking to him every day. He was my partner, my best friend, and the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. If you look back 2 posts and four years ago, you will see that I thought that we might work things out. Sometimes my naïveté frightens me. Truly, I should not be allowed to cross the street without assistance! I called him every day (sobbing most of the time) because what is more attractive than a snot-faced stalker? It took longer than I like to admit before I realized that he didn't want to be there for me. Those first few weeks, I found myself starting to call him over and over and over again. I had to admit that I no longer had my best friend and partner.

Monday, June 3, 2013

It's Been a While

I haven't written in 4 years. Four very long and very difficult years. I didn't want to write at first because I didn't want to be one of those people who does nothing but spew venom at everyone who has ever hurt me, or did I want to be less than authentic. Lets talk about those four years. Maybe by writing it all down I can sift through the wreckage and come up with some answers for myself and my son, or at least find a little peace.

I came to Atlanta. I pulled out of San Antonio early in the morning on Sunday, July 19. I had no job. I had no idea whether or not I would be alone or if Mark would decide to join me. I think I cried all the way to Louisiana. It took 2 days to get here. God had a plan for me. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I have to believe that He will guide my steps. I was literally on my way to return the UHaul truck when I got the call from my future employer. She was the API of a school for which I had not applied. I was hired 4 days after I left San Antonio, this during one of the worst job markets in my lifetime. When once my school system would hire over 1,000 teachers, this year they hired fewer than 300, and I was one of them!