Just the two of us...

So Logan and I embarked on a journey together. We moved across the country where I had to not only  learn how to be a teacher but also how to be a single mom and he had to learn to live without his daddy in his daily life. When other children called "Daddy," he would look around for his daddy and would crumple when he realized that they weren't talking to his daddy. I felt so many emotions. I was angry that Mark's choice was to have his son raised by a single mom. I was guilty for failing my little family. But mostly, I was so incredibly sad. Sad for me and especially sad for Logan.

Fortunately, my parents welcomed me back into their home so that I could get back on my feet and so that Logan would have more stability than I could provide by myself. It definitely took some work for my dad and I to figure out how to navigate our relationship. He and Logan became best buds. While I was leaving the house before Logan woke up, Dad was getting up with him, getting him fed and getting him off to daycare. When Logan started school, he not only got him to school but Dad also picked him up and took him to daycare. Any time that I had to work late or go to class, one of my parents would pick him up. There is no way that I could have become a teacher without all of their help. So it wasn't really just the two of us, after all.

Continuing with the tale...

Little did I know how difficult my new profession would be. My school was challenging for a number of reasons. The students came from a wide assortment of backgrounds and the administrative requirements were, well, monumental would be a polite way to put things. Mom said that I learned to teach by getting thrown not the deep end of the pool. I had a panic attack on the first day of school. Think about it. When you get a job waiting tables, you shadow someone for a few days, then they shadow you for a few days, then you are finally given your own station. When I got my job I was assigned a classroom, issued textbooks and the bell rang! While I was trying to get my bearings, was also taking my pedagogy classes and trying to adjust to being a single mom. I cried every day that first year. On my way to work. On my way home from work. When I went to bed.

For 10 years, Mark was the last person I spoke with before I went to bed. I had been talking to him every day. He was my partner, my best friend, and the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. If you look back 2 posts and four years ago, you will see that I thought that we might work things out. Sometimes my naïveté frightens me. Truly, I should not be allowed to cross the street without assistance! I called him every day (sobbing most of the time) because what is more attractive than a snot-faced stalker? It took longer than I like to admit before I realized that he didn't want to be there for me. Those first few weeks, I found myself starting to call him over and over and over again. I had to admit that I no longer had my best friend and partner.

It's Been a While

I haven't written in 4 years. Four very long and very difficult years. I didn't want to write at first because I didn't want to be one of those people who does nothing but spew venom at everyone who has ever hurt me, or did I want to be less than authentic. Lets talk about those four years. Maybe by writing it all down I can sift through the wreckage and come up with some answers for myself and my son, or at least find a little peace.

I came to Atlanta. I pulled out of San Antonio early in the morning on Sunday, July 19. I had no job. I had no idea whether or not I would be alone or if Mark would decide to join me. I think I cried all the way to Louisiana. It took 2 days to get here. God had a plan for me. As long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other, I have to believe that He will guide my steps. I was literally on my way to return the UHaul truck when I got the call from my future employer. She was the API of a school for which I had not applied. I was hired 4 days after I left San Antonio, this during one of the worst job markets in my lifetime. When once my school system would hire over 1,000 teachers, this year they hired fewer than 300, and I was one of them!

The sky is falling...

I haven't updated in a while because I haven't had the heart to do so. In mid-April, Mark and I began discussing the possibilities of a separation. At first it was difficult to believe. I mean, we've been together for 10 years and have a child together. I can't imagine what life will bring without him. One thing is certain (and that we can both agee) is that we definitely need a change. I have been really isolated here in San Antonio. Since I worked from home, I didn't have very much exposure to the outside world. Mark works opposite shifts, so we have not been able to socialize very often. I have absolutely no family here, so it has been a very lonely existence.

I went to Atlanta on vacation with this weighing heavily on my mind.

I wasn't sure what to say or even whether to broach the subject with my family. After all, if we were able to work everything out, I didn't want my family's opinion of Mark to be colored by challenges that we were able to overcome. He is a wonderful guy. I never want him to feel less than welcome with my family. As it turned out, while I was there, the other shoe fell. I found out that I was soon to be without a job. This forced action. Stay in San Antonio, working full time, coming home to an empty house? Move to Atlanta, work full time, but have family and friends for support and interaction? I have been working towards getting myself re-located to Atlanta. I have taken 4 very challenging exams in the hopes of securing a teaching position on a provisional certification. I have applied for several positions without any bites, yet. I am so very sad right now. My last day working was June 30. July 1, I was itching to log on to the home office computer to get my work done, and finally ended up leaving the house so I could get it off my mind. It's just as well, since my former employer called while I was out to ask me questions about where things were saved on the server. I wasn't home to take the call. I am confident that with time and distance these fellings will pass. I am now having to get motivated to pack. Sorting through and separating our stuff is so difficult. I have to make decisions not only on what I need, but also what I am willing to leave behind forever, in case Mark decides not to join me. Change is painful and difficult, but I think that in the end things are going to work out for the best, whatever the best may be. Watch this space, there are giong to be alot of updates coming....

the whirlwind trip to OKC

Logan and I drove up to Oklahoma City to visit my mom last weekend. Since it was a quick turn around, we packed every possible minute with activity. Samantha and Alex came over for breakfast on Saturday. Alex, of course brought Vivian. It was really cool to see the interaction between Vivian and Logan. What one wanted, so did the other, so Mom ended up with both on her lap. Logan was uncharacteristically snuggly. Please note that both babies were holding their blankets. Mom must have been roasting!

Mom bought the grandkids presents. Logan got a musical cookie jar/shape sorter. Would you like to hear one of the cookie hape songs? Funny, I can hear them even when the toy is put away--thanks Mom! The real hit of the party was the SitNSpin that Mom got for Vivian. In addition to the two little ones, all of the big kids tried it, too. I think that they used to make SitNSpins larger!

Mom and I usually end up shopping when we get together, both fun and mundane. It's funny how that way. Logan likes shopping. He gets to look at new things and complete strangers come up to tell him how cute he is! He always seems to have something to say these days! The trip to WalMart was the last stop on a very long day of visiting and shopping, so I am very fortunate to have a mostly happy boy! We went up to see my friend Heather and her new baby who was born in December. I don't remember Logan being so squishy. She was very sweet and smiled alot. Logan busied himself by rearranging her Easter decorations. I hope we get invited back! We then rushed down to pick up some things that I had left at the company house. The to Kohl's, where they were having a great sale--I scored a really cute sweater for $6!! Finally, WalMart for household cleaning stuff. All this after brunch with the Sibs. Logan was asleep 15 minutes after we got home--only awake long enough to eat dinner.

Sunday morning, before we hit the road, we went to Outdoor World so Shauna could pick up a chair and mom could work on her camping supply list for their trip to the Grand Canyon. I went along for the ride just because I like to shop, even if I am not planning to purchase anything. Logan and Vivian also enjoyed their trip to the store. It was blustery and chilly, so I could not resist a really cute red sweater that was half-priced. The good news is that it is a classic style that will still be in style next year during the 2 weeks that pass for winter in San Antonio!

Unfortunately, we had to hit the road immediately following the trip to Outdoor World. At least the trip that took 9 1/2 hours up only took 8 hours back. Note to self--avoid Dallas at rush hour at ALL COSTS! We will return for sure, but I think that we will have to plan it when we can spend just a little bit more time.

he walks (well, he runs, actually)

Logan began walking a couple of weeks ago. As you can imagine, almost all of the pictures that I have tried to take are blurry. Let's be honest..most of the pictures that we tried to take of him before he started walking were blurry! He now zips around the house, collecting treasure and hiding it everywhere. Trouble is, he won't answer me when I ask him where he has put things (like the remote). He doesn't respond to water torture, as he rather enjoys the water and will do anything to prolong his aqueous adventures.

One of his favorite activities is taking his toys for walks/runs around the house. We have to now watch our step when we walk into a room where he ahs been, as he tends to set up booby traps. You should hear him giggle when one of us windmills our arms to avoid falling. OK, I'm not sure where he gets that!

He has also gotten very good at crawling under things to retreive objects that have fallen. Now he has exponentially increased the number of places where he can hide his booty!

In response, I have begun excercising to increase my fitness level and stamina. I run, usually, up to 3 miles. I have been considering a triethlon. I now have these funny shoes, we'll see if they help. I got them at Ross for a very good price--they are supposed to be specially-made for running.

I also got a one-piece bathing suit (which I will not demonstrate just yet) and some funny goggles. Since I wear contacts, I haven't done any serious swimming in years. Yesterday, I swam 150 meters and ran 2 miles. I can tell you right now--if I do sign up for a triethlon, I have a LONG way to go! By the way, I wonder if it is advisable to actually own a bicycle before signing up??

Anyway, if these don't work, I can always put them on to scare intruders!!! If they happen to fall down laughing, at least they will be within reach so that I can kick them!

and a birthday...

For Logan's first birthday, we took him and got some professional portraits done. When he is at home giggling and playing I am apparently not allowed to bring out the camers. Logan turns into the "Very Serious Boy." Somehow, the photographer managed several poses with smiles. As you can probably guess, I ended up ordering several poses with smiles! This is one of my favorites, since this is what he does to all stuffed animals within reach. See how cuddly he is?? (now is your opportunity to coo...)

Later that day, we let him eat cake! It started rather delicately. He dipped a finger here and swirled some frosting there. But once he discovered that the fugurines could be removed from the cake--the game was on! He used his figurines as tools to scoop up more and more frosting! The glob at the right side of the picture is actually a Fisher Price Little People Farmer! Pretty amazing, huh?!

Remember that sweet, cuddly, precious child who loves stuffed

animals? His evil twin appears when the cake is taken away!! In fact, this is the twin that appears when the Little Prince is told that he can't have exactly what he wants at exactly the instant that he wants it. We're working on that. Fortunately, Rosemary doesn't drop her baby off very often!